The memo is in---If your tired and you know it clap your hands. (clap, clap)
Admitting that I hate the direction of where my life is heading would have broken that secret pact I had made with myself somewhere between 25 and 30 that said: NEVER show vulnerability or weakness. Soul searching the last six months
have concluded, I have sacrificed myself and my well-being for who I thought I should be; hiding my edges, my truth, my uniqueness. Somewhere, in the middle of chaos, I had lost myself while trying to please the world. I can no longer deny the shittiness that my life has become, the obvious imbalances, the denial of my femininity and softness, the pain I am feeling on the inside. For the record, no, I'm not having marriage problems. I am having an identity crisis.
As I type, my kids are both sitting on the couch watching a movie. They deserve to get my best; all the time. On a normal day of rushing to school and rushing home and rushing to make dinner and rushing to clean up and rushing the get ready for the next day--they are changing. It's going fast. I'm to busy being a slave to the chimes of my phone to look up and realize. That feeling sucks. It makes me angry. Like punch someone in the face angry. My dad was always a slave to his job, I guess I thought that was normal. I see where that's got him 40 years later. (no, disrespect to my dad--just working for the man) At 37 3/4 I declare I don't want that to be my normal anymore! On a side bar--the kids are now on both side of me with their blankets. I'm elbow to elbow in our small blue chair and I can hardly type; and I could care less. We all just want to be close. Close makes us feel safe. I long for a safe feeling in this three hundred mile per hour world I seem to be directing. Listen up everyone, my bucket is empty. Not my monkeys, not my circus--stay away.
I've interviewed for six new careers in the last six months--ironically---got them all. Each interview has lasted 2-4 hours. I have enjoyed the experiences. Kinda weird, can I be a professional interviewer? I've met some really cool executives. Evidently, in the middle of my killer black suit and brag book, none of these careers felt right. What the hell am I searching for? What did I want to GET? BOOM---right there---it hit me.
I think the real question to answer is, "What do I want to give?" Just a few small requests----Soul healing. A fair and safe, warm, beautiful environment for others. Reflection. Deep experiences. Aha-moments. Gratitude. Balance. Centeredness. A happy body that hosts a sharp mind. My whole authentic self. Love.---Ya know, just your basic wants, right? I think these answers are changing my path; my life. Now What? That's the new question to ponder for the next six months.
