FEBRUARY 17, 2015
Boy, God must think I am one strong gal after the last few weeks. There something about standing up for your beliefs, and paying the consequences, that truly make you lean on the Lord. I have been racking my earthly mind for weeks now trying to understand. Boom it hit me, exactly two weeks after the ambush. God is God, and we aren’t supposed to understand. We are supposed to trust him to plan our direction. When we pray a prayer, he already has the date set for the answer. Sometimes it’s speedy, and sometimes its months, but the date is set in stone. He is supernaturally making a path, not for us to understand, but for us to trust. Trust is very difficult for a controlling and urgent kinda gal like yours truly. God says, “Andrea run your race, and continue to follow me. I won’t let you down. Remember Andrea, I—I-- will direct your path, not you.” Having true trust in God requires his followers to have unanswered questions in life. Why, you ask? He wants us to find true joy in him. Not controlling the outcome of situations.
I’ll tell you my testimony in all this turmoil. Twenty-four short hours before my life changed, I cried out in my office. No, like really cried out. Hands in the air. Tears going down my face. “God, I need to find my joy! Help me find my joy. I’m lost.” I spent the next few hours looking through books trying to find a certain passage to help “control” the outcome. Fast forward, 24 hours later, prayer answered. Not really the way I wanted to control that situation, but prayer answered.
Now fourteen days into my search for joy, I’m starting to find it. God is teaching me to thank him for the conditions that are requiring me to slow down. He says, “Andrea, do not spoil these quiet hours with me by waiting impatiently to be active again. Some of my greatest works have been in prison cells. Although you feel cut off from the world, your quiet trust makes a powerful statement in the spiritual realm.” Quiet trust is right. As for my request of joy—I think God has a plan for that too. It’s called a renewed spirit. Time has a way of giving you back what a destructive lifestyle took away. Cheers to finding my joy…
FEBRUARY 19, 2015
Why? My kids ask why all the time. Because I said so. (Insert angry face)
Have you ever thought about how many times you’ve ask God why? Look at Moses and the Israelites. What was supposed to take eleven days of a walk took forty years. Dig into the story, the Israelites complained about everything to God. Food, shelter, water, you name it, they asked why? I have to think just like we as Christians, looking for hope in troubled times, wonder why? As for myself I think I’ve been asking the wrong question. Our God is not the author of confusion, he is the author of peace. When we try to serve God with our mind, we ask questions. When we serve God with our heart, we find incredible peace and hope. Note to self, serve God with my heart, not my mind. Lesson learned.
I was reading a passage last week that truly hit home. I was bringing all my worries over and over to God. Crying out, sometimes in anger and sometimes in despair. I couldn’t sleep. Every second was consumed with worry. Probably asking a lot of why’s. Yea, shocker. I guess I’m human. Perfect example of serving God with our mind, guilty as charged. By changing our approach and thanking him in advance for blessing and showing us favor--is serving God with our heart. Did you hear that—shift your paradigm? Not only do we serve with our heart, but it creates a peace inside. That peace that passes all understanding. Did you hear that, peace! When you are thanking him for that right person put in your path—or thanking him for posting that perfect job right when you needed it---or thanking him for just getting you through the day without more tears, its calming. It’s like speaking motivation right from the lips of angels into our hearts. Do you remember in Genesis when God commanded Abraham to leave? Leave his family. Leave his home and everything he knew. Abraham had no idea what the plan was. Abraham went, and did not worry. Did you hear that? He didn’t ask why, he went without worry.
I am embracing today that my path is spiritually designed. I don’t need to understand the why. I need to stop thinking with my mind and just trust in my heart. I hear that voice in my heart saying, “Andrea, do not be afraid. I have plans for you much bigger than your heart imagined. Now trust me. Rest. You have not truly rested in years. Give me all your pain. Give me all your worries and trust me. Now go to sleep.” Ya know what, I slept last night deeper and more refreshed than I have in months. God’s promises. Stop asking why…Yet another testimony. I am going to take all my turmoil and overcome evil with God. Peace out--literally.
FEBRUARY 21, 2015
Dismissed, two fold. I’ve shared before how God has everything in our life already dated and set. It was only three short years ago, almost to the date--Coach was let go unfairly. Three years later the pain is not as deep, but the scar will always be there. The shoe is now on the other foot, this time it’s a high heel. Let’s just say virtuous beliefs got me in the same place. It’s painful. It’s horrific. It’s like a death. It’s embarrassing because people ponder the why. When Coach went through that time I felt helpless. Not many people can understand truly how it feels to give 100% every day to be wronged by someone’s big ego. Revenge you ask? I already thought about going down that road. Even paid a big time city lawyer to give me some kick butt advice. In the end, I decided I had no energy left and I would let God seek vengeance. Money was not worth what the legal system can do to one’s body. Believe me. I spend over a year and a half in court with a loon. It can suck the life right out of you; head all the way to your baby toe.
Coach is watching me go through every stage of grief, sometimes hourly. No one can understand the tears, the stress, the anger, the hurt and the pain like he can. Somehow I think God made us for each other. He gets me. He just listens and knows nothing he can say will make it feel better. I am so tired of “relax” and “enjoy your time”. Whatever. I come from a long line of unrelaxed people. It’s my chemical makeup.
Right now I’m a prisoner in my own time. I only have two things on my mind during the day, talking to God and getting a spray tan. Both actually are very therapeutic. If I can’t talk to God in Cancun right now, I might as well look like I’m in Cancun. On that note…I’m off to the beach to pray.
FEBRUARY 22, 2015
Thought of the day on rumors. Pick and choose your battles. Travel light. Forgive people. Warriors are champions because they only pick battles worth fighting. The deep meaning of this is like fast food maturity. It’s hard. Suck it up. Go through the drive through, place your order to ignore into the speaker, and grab your bag of no nonsense; drive way. It’s take easy. What you tell yourself becomes you. I am a champion. I only pick battles worth fighting.
FEBRUARY 25, 2015
Not feeling inspired today…
FEBRUARY 26, 2015
Just like Noah spent forty days and forty nights inside the ark, I have spent twenty-three days and nights sitting in my favorite green chair situated in my living room. I have only looked at snow, not rain and floods. Its easy to get sick of the same four walls and the people inside when your emotions are like a hurricane. Poor Noah, can you imagine how dirty and smelly that boat must have been? The most stressful scene in my stent has been Leo, our outside cat, being in heat. Wowzer, that cat gets around. Just think, if I was not sitting in my green chair I might have missed it.
Speaking of might have missed, every day I get to hug, hold, love, feed, snuggle and smile at my little niece. Nothing helps repair a broken heart more than a baby. My morning routine has been very non-Andrea Keene like. I have not laid out the boys clothes the night before. I have not found shoes and stuffed backpacks. I have not packed a lunch the night before. I have not said once, “We gotta hurry up!” I even had a dance party with Cameron after Justice walked out the door. Seriously, that’s like a falling star moment. I don’t do dance parties, especially in the morning but Uptown Funk was on and we just let the music move us. And boy, I must say, my five year old has the dance moves and swagger like his dad. Almost reminded me of The Pace fifteen years ago. Whoa, I’m old. Back to my thoughts. We have ran errands before drop off and strolled in late. No rules. After I kiss Cameron good-bye and bid him a “be a leader” I head to the east side of town. My car knows how to go east, but it turns where it normally goes straight. Snuggles all the way around in Hartman-ville. Tristan is a ball of fire in the morning and Blakely is always ready for a hug. Not a care in the world. Go ahead, take your time is my motto. Again, very un-Keenelike. House messy, who cares?
Time. That’s what I have time. So what have I been doing? Interviews and research. Interviews and research. Oh yeah, I did hit the movies. Talk about having the entire theatre to yourself. Go to a movie at 10:30 on a Tuesday, no one. Candy, popcorn and soda—I call that lunch! No rules, remember? I guess there are unwritten rules when you are in these circumstances. Reaching all stages of grief is one. Sorry Coach Keene, it’s been a roller coaster too. True reflection is two. Like the quiet reflection where you sit in silence, in the green chair, thinking for hours. And three is pick yourself up and realize it’s not how others view you; it’s how you view yourself! Twenty-three days and I’m there. I did nothing wrong. It was just time for a change. I knew that on the inside, but the way it went down was un-humanistic. I always tried to treat people, good or bad, the way I would want to be treated. I gave corrective action with a life lesson and a termination with an inspirational speech to move on and do better in life. In the words of Taylor Swift, “it’s gonna be forever, or go down in flames.” Attention shoppers, aisle four, we need an extinguisher! Day twenty-four, I’m heading to the grocery store.
MARCH 2, 2015
Don’t consider your circumstances, consider your God. I am still waiting, and not super patiently on the Lord. I have almost read the entire Bible in the last 30 days. I was actually impressed how fascinating it was. I don’t mean that in a sacrilegious way. It went by really fast. Well, when you can’t sleep at 3am and there is ice on your dish what else ya gonna do? Read. I enjoyed the stories and some of the scripture really made sense to me in applying to my circumstances. Hummm, don’t consider your circumstances, consider your God. Makes total sense to me…
MARCH 4, 2015
I was looking through Cameron’s journal he draws in everyday at school. The whole way to school, almost daily, he is worrying about what he’s going to draw. I mean face frown and genuinely upset about what he will draw. I always tell him, “you will know exactly what to draw when its time! Trust yourself Cam!” Anyhoo, I was looking through his February journal. There’s Justice and him exchanging valentines. There’s daddy smiling. A few ninja turtles. The cats outside make the journal playing in the snow. And then theirs mom…..I am paying the water bill. I think it’s fair to say I am the “voice of reality” parent in our house. Note to self; got to work on being more fun. Think I’ll google that. Fun’s been lost for a very long time.
MARCH 5, 2015
I’m fighting back. Not literally, emotionally. Wake up and go get it! The noon phone calls from Coach have slowly faded and my smile is beginning to return. One month, two days. On a side bar, I call the noon check-in my “suicide watch” call. Coach WAS the one who found me laying on my driveway, face down crying out. When coaches leave positions you have a press conference. When business people leave positions, people just wonder. I, Andrea, blog.
Psalm 23 is my favorite. It has special meaning to me for many reasons. I’ll share one. When Justice was much younger, we read a children’s version of Bible stories at night. This one was Justice’s favorite. He used to say, “Mommy, read me the Justice version.” He was too little to comprehend what exactly the Lord was telling us in Psalm 23, so I made him a three year old version. It goes something like this…
The Lord is my helper and he gives Justice everything he needs.
He gives him a soft bed at night so he can rest with the angels.
He leads Justice to good places and refreshes his soul.
He helps Justice through the day, and when he is scared, never worry Justice!
I am right there beside you; holding my hand.
Justice—put your arms around me and feel my love.
Surely my goodness and love will be with Justice all your days.
And someday, Justice, you will live in heaven forever.
Amen!
Last night before we turned out the light Justice says, “Mom, do me the Justice version of that one prayer.” It’s been awhile, I was impressed he remembered. So I did, and Cameron says, “Now—do me!” Sometimes we forget to personalize God’s promises. When we personalize a promise, straight from God, it’s like a hand written letter just for us. My advice, personalize it. Everyone likes to get mail, especially from heaven.
MARCH 16, 2015
All my life I have thought of bible characters as super heroes. Special people that God gave this magical life. These people knew which path to choose and where to cast their net. In my reading today, I think of Moses. God asked Moses to do a lot of things based on faith not sight. Moses led his people from Pharaoh. Moses was a man, just like you and me. Can you imagine the heartache when he finally brought this people to the Red Sea? So close to freedom. Moses knew Pharaoh’s army was close behind. I can just see Moses sitting on a rock looking at the water wondering, “God, why have you brought me this far to a lifeless end. We will surely be killed.”
Sitting in my green chair I can empathize with Moses. “Now what God? I’ve followed your hand and here I sit. Overwhelmed with confusion.” Wonder how long it took God to part that sea? A few hours? An overnight stay on the beach with 400,000 people waiting for direction? Minutes must have felt like hours and hours felt like days. When we try to control the outcome, we sit at a road block. When we turn the road block over to the creator; mountains move and waters part.
Moses did not know the plan, he just followed. He was faithful till then end. Moses was just like you and me. A mortal. A worrier. A leader. My Red Sea parted today. No longer do I sit on the rock trying to control my outcome. He has chosen my outcome. I trust, just as the last of Moses people crossed the sea, the waters swallowed up the evil. Of course, we will always have evil in our world; I plan to overcome evil with my God. A God that chooses ordinary leaders, like Moses, and puts them in extraordinary circumstances to lead. My heart is full. My testimony is great. Encourage others is the only answer. Cheers to new beginnings; My joy has returned. My smile is glowing. I will never be the same, in Jesus name.
